I stared up into the sea of familiar faces; the microphone was relaxed in my palm, and I was feeling as cool as a cucumber. I’d been here before and this election’s outcome would be no different. I was well past the point of arrogant- in my mind the opponent had no shot. All I needed to do now was give a few words, smile, and let the student body go to work for me. I brought the microphone to my lips, opened my mouth, and self-destructed.
In the weeks that followed I was able to laugh with it. I mean, when you close your speech with “Don’t be a stud, vote for a dud” instead of your ego-inflated campaign slogan “Don’t be a dud, vote for a stud”, you don’t have much of a choice. There was no way high school students would let that one go. As I pushed through the humiliation, only a few people knew how deep that cut really was for me. Not only did a part of my ego die that day (rightfully so in hindsight), but I was filled with a fear of something I had loved dearly: the fear of public speaking.
Over the past 6 years I have avidly avoided opportunities to hold the microphone again. Minus a few small exceptions (all of which I was a nervous wreck), I had succeeded. However, at our World Race launch they mentioned how we would all probably preach at some point on the field. I knew I couldn’t keep running forever, but I was prepared to be elusive as long as I could.
The ironic part of this story is that being a speaker was my biggest dream. I feel joy at the core of my being when I envisioned myself sharing the gospel on stages. I believe God has put that dream on my heart and it is His call for my life. Despite truly believing this, my fear was going to disrupt my path. Satan is clever with his plots. Unfortunately for him, God’s plans are much greater.
When we arrived in Peru, our host asked that a few members of our squad would preach in services throughout the month. It was announced that this would be done on a volunteer basis only. Bingo! I was in the clear… or so I thought. One Sunday morning in prayer God was encouraging me to sign up and speak. He promised He would carry me through it, but what if I blew it again? What if my message wasn’t good enough? What if my dream was crushed? Satan quickly bombarded me with doubts. The decision was made. I would have plenty of opportunities to speak in the future right? We could face this fear later and I could just go about my business in the meantime. My plan sounded great- if only my plans were God’s plans.
Later that Sunday morning, I was scrambling to get into our service when our squad leaders pulled me aside. They informed me about a youth event that was taking place the following Sunday at our ministry compound. There would be a few pastors from other churches in Peru coming in to speak, and it was requested that a member of our squad gave a sermon as well. They prayed over it and the Lord had put my name on their hearts to be the speaker.
Right when they told me, I knew I was supposed to accept. God’s handiwork was all over it. Of course, when I am disobedient to take the actions myself, He lines everything up to fulfill his plan for me anyway. I could run, but there was nowhere to hide. Next Saturday I would be up at a podium speaking before a big crowd of people.
In the days that followed I got progressively more nervous. My sermon on God’s promises was shaping up nicely, but it all came down to the execution. Anybody can be an all-star in practice, but you still need to show up for the big game. I rehearsed my material until I knew it like the back of my hand. I was obsessing over it. After I was done, people would say “This is what you are supposed to do with you life”. My ridiculous expectations were slowly killing me inside. It was make or break time, was I ready?
It was the morning of and I was deep in my quiet time, when His clearly spoke to me. “Let go of your expectation, be confident, and trust that I will do the rest”. Wow, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My dad always told me I would never do anything unless I was positive I would be the all-star. I never believed it, but he was so right. I have always had such a fear of not being good enough and failing, that I would never step out and try unless success was guaranteed. How ridiculous did I feel! I had never given a sermon, I had a fear of public speaking and I expected to step up there and be the next Francis Chan. What a humbling moment. The God of the universe didn’t call me to speak that day to realize some hidden talent, but to set me free of my fear. Becoming good at something takes baby steps, and conquering my fear of public speaking would be the first few. All I needed to do was give it my best effort and God would do the rest.
The sermon went well. The floodgate of salvations wasn’t opened, but there was a major victory in my soul that day. Once stepped up to the podium, my fear disappeared. God brought peace to my heart to speak confidently. I am free from my fear, but that wasn’t my great internal accomplishment of the day. More importantly, God helped me let go of the heavy expectations I had set for myself and the deeper fear of not reaching them. My life is not about being the best or accomplishing the most. God has different expectations for me. God has called me to walk with Him to become the best version of myself I can be. Nothing more, nothing less, and that is such a beautiful thing.
God’s craftiness is truly brilliant. Despite my choice to be disobedient, He still opened the doors to get me where He needed me. The sermon wasn’t just about me conquering my fear of public speaking, but something much deeper. A big piece of my selfish ego died that day so I could become more dependent and trusting in Him. My first sermon wasn’t what I had planned, but it resulted in a sweet victory within my soul. My hearts desire has shifted to become the best version of myself I can be. I’m still figuring out what that will look like, but I do trust that He is leading me in the right direction.
